If I Know You, I Can Like You

You can develop your like-ability, the capacity to like other people, by discovering what you have in common with them. It's harder than it sounds. I have friends and colleagues that I've known for some time before we discovered some amazing common interests. Imagine trying to establish this with someone you've only met once or twice.

Here are some considerations:

• Don't turn your nose up at small talk. A comment about the weather can lead someone to reveal that they're not used to it because they're from somewhere else. Maybe you know someone in that city or used to live there yourself.
• Show enthusiasm for your own interests. A story about your fishing trip a few weeks ago could bring other anglers into the open. Be careful not to go on and on, though.
• A business networking environment is a natural locale to ask how they got into their current job, what they studied in school, or what other business associations they belong to. Even what magazines they subscribe to.
  
• Be sure not to pepper them with questions. You want the revelations to come from a natural flow of conversation. Instead, try working into the conversation stories (SHORT ONES!) about your interests. For example, "That's interesting that you mentioned great comedies. I watched Monty Python's Holy Grail again this weekend for the twentieth time." If they're a Python fan, too, they'll let you know. Or try this conversational gambit, "I was almost late because I had to set my DVR to record Survivor (go Aitu)."
• Don't be disappointed if a revelation about your favorite pastime elicits no response. Move on to another topic, or ask them what kind of movies/sports/hobbies they like.
  
• While you don't want to interrogate, there are a few questions you can ask that are non-threatening. Ask what they like to do when they're not working. Find out if they are from the area - often, they'll tell you the story of how they got here. Have they been to any good cultural events in town? Can they recommend a good restaurant?
• If you have only a few obscure interests (Aztec love poems or Roshambo tournaments), you're going to need to cultivate a few more widely-shared activities. Gardening and bird-watching are some of America's most popular past-times. Find something that you enjoy and can share with others.

As you work more toward finding out what you have in common with people, each networking event will be more of an adventure. You find that exercising your like-ability will become easier the more you use it.

Develop Your Like-ability

As I wrote yesterday, you're going to have a very hard time enjoying networking if you "don't like people". Guess what. Other people aren't going to change. Instead, you must work on your like-ability. Not "likeability" as in how much other people like you, but your ability to like them.

It is possible - even with all those irritating people out there. Here's several keys to doing this.

• Stop focusing on other people's faults. Oh, if you're perfect, you can ignore this.
• Work on appreciating their positive qualities. No one is all bad.
  
• Recast a slightly annoying trait into an endearing one. There's a limit to this, of course. You'll have a hard time convincing yourself that someone who constantly puts other people down or who tells you how to run your life is "cute".

Here's the most important way to increase your ability to like other people:

• Find out what you have in common.
• Especially if it's an unusual interest or hobby.

There's nothing more enjoyable than finding out that someone has the same passions that you do. You can have a whole conversation on that one thing, even if you're from completely different ends of any spectrum. Lifelong friendships have developed over something as seemingly small as an interest in the same author, or a fondness for an obscure movie producer. And, there's nothing like finding someone else who is a fan of your beleagured team who hasn't won in years. Any Michael Waltrip fans out there? Can't wait 'til next year!

Networking is Hard If ....

If you don't like people, networking is going to be very hard for you. I'm not talking about the antisocial crazies out there, I mean the people who don't network because they don't like the way other people act in the networking arenas. "They're always trying to sell me something, they're not friendly, they complain about everything, they want to convert me to their cause/politics/favorite sport, they seem to only argue about stuff," you say to excuse yourself from networking.

There's one of two things happening here:

1. You are networking in the wrong place, or
   
2. It's not other people, it's you.

#1 shouldn't be the problem if you're networking at business trade shows, professional organizations, and in your Chamber of Commerce :-).

If you're at the right place, but you still feel like you're always being sold, that people aren't friendly, or you're getting into a lot of arguments with complete strangers at events: maybe it's not them, maybe it's you.

We get back what we project out to other people.

• If you think other people aren't nice, that makes you unhappy, you appear unfriendly and then only the most Pollyanna people will listen to you complain about how unfriendly everyone is. Everyone else will seem to be unfriendly because they're avoiding you and your grumpy face.
  
• When you're only there to try to sell other people, no one will stick around long enough to develop any type of relationship and you'll probably get their sales pitch before they split.
• Opening the conversation with a complaint brings out the competitive nature in people and they'll respond with "Oh yeah? Listen to this!" You'll get nothing but worse and worse stories throughout the evening (because you'll have to top theirs, and so on).
• By skipping the small talk and forcefully going right to the vital causes in your life (politics, sports, religion) without establishing any rapport at all, you'll reveal three kinds of people. Those who don't want to debate the issues who will leave as soon as possible and avoid you, those who agree with you who will form a little permanent consensus cluster, and those who disagree with you (and have strong opinions themselves) who will want to convert you to their way of thinking. Then you'll have your argument.
  

The next time you find yourself thinking how much you don't like the way other people are when they network, stop and take a good look at yourself first.